The Smirking Legolas
by Dep. of Elven Pride Protection
Summary: He's on his way to the council...but will Legolas be distracted by the Sues? He's on his way to Mount Doom...yet still they come...
1. Default Chapter

The Smirking Legolas. Chapter One.  
  
Once upon a time in Mirkwood an elven Prince called Legolas lived for a long time before anything interesting happened to him and he became famous throughout the world of tales and songs and dodgy fanfiction.  
  
Because one day he got a message from an elf named Elrond. It was a singing message and the person sent to deliver it was female. She had hair that glowed in the light of the sun and shone with highlights of gold and russest red. Her eyes glistened as she sang...  
  
The message told him to travel to the nice place of Rivendell and meet some other people. So he packed up his bags, his skin and hair care products, got on his large and noble stallion and rode all the way to Rivendell leaving the singing messenger girl in the dust.  
  
The girl started crying beautiful crystal tears because her one true love had abandoned her. She moped about, wallowing in angst for many days until she realised that he wasn't coming back anytime soon. So she wandered off into the world to find a true love who wouldn't go off on quests. Thus, Legolas defeated his first Mary Sue.  
  
Legolas smirked. He could hear the girl crying behind him and hearing the message in her tears "come back and comfort me, you big beautiful hunk of elf, and we can have lots of elf babies or I can come with you on your quest, whilst all the other males in the quest -except Frodo and Sam who are obviously smitten with each other- can fall hopelessly in love with me" so he rode faster. Because Legolas was not stupid.  
  
Legolas was welcomed at the gates of Rivendell by a pair of female elves. They had hair that swept the very earth they walked upon, one had hair as black as pitch ebony that seemed to drink in the light that shone upon it. The other had hair so vibrantly blonde that it shone in the sunlight with a glare almost to blind any who looked upon her.  
  
"We welcome you, fair Prince of Mirkwood" the two said in complete unison. The dark haired elf's voice was as low and lovely as golden bells and the blonde's voice rang through the air like the songs of the birds in the trees. It caused quite a racket.  
  
Legolas dismounted his horse, and a third female ran up to him to take the reins. She had very round ears for an elf. In fact, she introduced herself as a human, who had been raised with the elves with her twin brother whom the elves called Elessar. Legolas nodded to this and handed over the reins to the girl who's name had already slipped his mind. She bobbed her rich, chocolate brown haired head and lead his stallion away. When she reached the stables she looked back with huge emerald green eyes shimmering with near-elven beauty. But she couldn't see Legolas, whom she had waited for so long to find; and the sight of the world without him tore at her heart. But that was okay, because any minute now he would come racing after her to declare how beautiful and mysterious he found her...  
  
Yup, any moment now...  
  
Ah, perhaps he would wait for the dead of night, when all the elves slept, and he would creep out and find her wandering alone in the moonlight, long pale gown flowing out behind her like water. Yes, that was when they would next meet. The human girl ran off to find a gown of said properties.  
  
The pair of elf maidens, who had been glaring daggers at the human girl as she talked to their Legolas, took an arm of Legolas' each and led him up to their chambers.  
  
Legolas, being a sensible elf, knew what was happening and, having no sex drive, could think his way out of if with ease. Seriously, there were beautiful elves in Mirkwood too, and it wasn't as if he'd never seen a gorgeous face of perfect proportions and lovely hair before, I mean, he looked in the mirror every day.  
  
The raven haired beauty on his left arm introduced herself as the cousin of the fair Arwen, and the blond as a warrior elf who had been called to the council as well as he because her skill with a bow, sword, throwing dagger and magic wand was reknown throughout the world of the elves. Legolas inquired as to wether she'd received a singing messenger girl too, but she merely gave him a confused look through eyes that rivalled the beauty of the stars, and blinked.  
  
The pair of them suggested that they slip into something more comfortable, each giving Legolas a kiss on his flawless cheeks, with their full and pouty lips. They swung their hips in unison as they walked into one of the huge elven walk-in-wardrobes that were a common feature in Rivendell, flicking their shimmering hair over their shoulders. They blew him a kiss to leave him wanted more, and closed the wardrobe door.  
  
Legolas waited a moment as the sounds of zippers being un-done, dresses sliding to the floor and murmurs of "oh! this silk feels so cool against my porcelain skin!" came from through the wardrobe doors. Then, he got off the bed and made for the door. Closing it silently behind him and shoving up a chair against the door, making it impossible to open.  
  
Legolas smirked. He had escaped the clutches of his second and third Mary sues! Legolas felt very proud of himself, and made his way down to the Council.  
  
The Council was rather dull, but he got to shout at a dwarf and wear a shimmery robe, so it wasn't the worst he'd ever been to. Oh wait, he'd also agreed to go with eight rather unwashed looking mortals on a quest that would probably end in death or broken nails, so it wasn't the best council he'd ever been to either.  
  
Elrond declared that the 'Fellowship' would leave on the morrow and they all better get a good sleep for the promotion pictures he wanted to take in the morning. So the nine retired to their beds.  
  
Moonlight filtered through the trees that swayed their branches as if in time to the harmonious melody coming from the human maiden waiting by the river. The starlight shone down on her hair and her eyes and her skin and the ells and ells of silk that she wore around her body, as 'dress' was no word to describe such a vision of beautious fashion. She sang a song of temptation in perfect elvish, calling to her blond royal elvish love. "Manoooooo Maaaaardeennaaaaa, liiiiissss?" she sang. "Maaanooooo maaaanooo mardeeeeennaaaa lisss?" her voice wove it's way up through the soft night air to Legolas's window...  
  
Legolas smirked in his sleep and rolled over. Two large yellow earplugs could be seen through his hair. As if he was going to have bags under his eyes for the promo portraits! As if! Thus Legolas defeated his third Mary sue. 


	2. Chapter Two

The morning of December twenty fifth of the Third Age dawned and Legolas awoke to silence. He pulled the ear plugs from his ears and tucked them safely into a hidden recess of his clothing; you never know when you might need earplugs on a quest- did men snore? He'd never slept with one, despite popular rumours, but thought it better to be safe than sorry. The nose plug went in as well. 

He made his way down to breakfast where the hobbits had already begun eating; Aragorn was kneeling by the packs and re-organising them; Boromir was sitting in the corner polishing his horn. Legolas wished he wouldn't do that in public.

"Excuse me," a small, female voice came form behind him. Legolas gathered his wits and turned around. 

Funny, they weren't usually invisible. 

"Down here," said the voice, sounding a little embarrassed. Coy, more like. Legolas looked down into eyes as blue as the summer sky reflected on the surface of clear smooth lakes. Hair as golden as the sunset fell in ringlets down the hobbit lass's back and she wore a pretty golden dun coloured strapless dress that showed off the curves of her shoulders and the ample swell of her flawless bosom. She curtsied, "May I have the pleasure of introducing myself?" she asked, and before he could answer said "I am Saffire Brandybuck- Meriadoc's sister, I followed him here because of my desire for adventure, and wish to accompany the Fellowship on your quest." 

Wearing that? Legolas thought. 

The lass set her perfectly crafted jaw stubbornly. "If you should say no, then I shall follow you." Changing her tone completely, she blinked up at him through lashes as dark as raven's wings. "You are so very handsome, master elf." 

"Ai," Legolas said, crouching down on the floor at her height and speaking to her as he would a young child. "Alas it is not I who makes the decisions as to who can join the Fellowship or not. You must speak with Boromir." 

"What?" The lass looked taken aback. "But he's evil!" 

"I'll admit he doesn't wash very often, but you cannot call him evil for that." 

"But...please master Greenleaf, take me in his place! He will try to take the Ring!" 

"Why do you spread such rumours?" 

"I have seen it! Long ago my grandmother left the Shire and came to the woods of Lorien, she befriended the Lady Galadriel, whom is my godmother. We visit her every summer. You cannot let Boromir come!" 

"I have no intention of making Boromir come or not. You speak to him. Here, take this nose plug. Go on, there's a good hobbit lass." Legolas put his nose plug in her hand and pushed her in Boromir's direction. "For me?" 

Saffire nodded and ran off towards Boromir, putting the plug on her nose. Legolas sat down near Aragorn and listened in to the conversation. " 'scuze be Bowobeer bou beevil ban." 

"Pardon?" 

"BEEVEL! Boar bevil!" 

"I'm sorry. What?"

Saffire started jumping up and down. "I hab seed bou! In be birror! Bou bill bake be Bing!" 

Boromir looked alarmed, and shot a glance at Aragorn and Legolas. "I'm baking what now?" 

"BING!" Saffire jumped on the ground. "BING!" 

At that moment, Elrond walked in. Boromir looked at the elf lord pleadingly. Elrond nodded. 

"Security!"

Legolas smirked.

~*~

With Rivendell many day's march behind them, the Fellowship stopped once again to rest by the side of a wide stream, icy cold and blue from snow run-off. Theree hobbits collapsed on the forest floor, disturbing many small beetles, while Sam led Bill to the stream as Legolas removed the pony's saddle bags and rubbed him down with a blanket. The two men disappeared into the trees to find some game for dinner, and Gimli sat down with the hobbits and started to build a fire. 

The sun was setting leaving orange and gold arches across the cold blue sky, and Legolas, lembas in hand, waded through the icy stream to the higher, clearer ground on the southern shore. From here he kept watch over the wide sweep of forest for any unnatural movement, while Aragorn took the watch closer to the Fellowship; closer to the ring bearer. 

A shrill cry tore open the night, and hoof beats on his side of the river thumped through the trees. From the corner of his eye Legolas saw Aragorn stand up and look his way, but the light was fading and human eyes were hopeless. Silently, Legolas disappeared from Aragorn view, over the hill in the direction of the call. 

A roan mare galloped into sight, silver reins shining in the light of the setting sun, the same light shone on the hair of the rider, russet gold. Her light elven body- that of a dancer yet with muscles toned in ways that showed she wielded a sword or bow with expert ease, gracefully dismounted her horse in front of Legolas, "you must help me..." she breathed, "my village...attacked...my people...dead...but I killed all the warg riders...must help me..." and then fainted into his arms. 

Legolas caught her and lay her on the ground, then stood over her with his arms crossed impatiently. She writhed prettily in the bed of leaves making small moaning sounds in the back of her pale throat. There was red liquid all over her tunic, but without the smell of blood. Instead, it smelled like something Legolas could not identify- tomatoes, perhaps? 

One of her eyes fluttered open, revealing her eyes as black as the approaching night, with flicks of silver in them like the stars. She hastily closed the eye again when she saw him waiting over her, and moaned again, then puckered her lips. 

Legolas went back to the stream and filled his hands with the icy water. He returned to the elven girl's side and dumped the water on her face. 

She screamed and sat up, her hands to her face. "Nonononono!" she cried, horrified. "Nono! You melted me! You...you..." True, her ears were melting to reveal rounded human ears, black rivers flowed down he cheeks where her mascara was running. "How COULD you!" she shrieked at Legolas, who's own ears began to ring. "You were supposed to...oh AAH! You INFURIATING ELF!" She stood up and grabbed her horse, and stomped away into the darkness. 

Legolas smirked, and returned to his watch on the hill.

~*~

Thanks be to all that reviewed! I snoogle you all!

*Snoogles reviews*


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